Tuesday, 30 December 2008

CHAVS

Compiled by Daudi Apinyi:
Introduction: Many an African parent resident in the United Kingdom is oblivious to the various influences (some positive, some negative) upon their children.... This compilation is not a "Practical Parenting Guide" but it details some information that may be worth knowing to you as a parent.
These influences are not confined to Children and young adults. There are middle-aged men above 35 yrs adversely influenced too.

CHAVS: The Branded Guide to Britain’s New Elite

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Chav History:

Definitions of Chavs

-non-educated delinquents
-the burgeoning peasant underclass.


Chavs are identifiable by their attitude and clothes. Chavs want money and lots of it, but don’t want to have to work for it.

Jodie Marsh and Jordan are obvious Chav icons. Reality shows, like Big Brother, and the Lottery are favourite TV programmes.
Chavs can be found far and wide, across the county, but go by different names depending on the location. In Scotland, on the West Coast, you’ll find Neds 9some say this is short for “non-educated delinquents”, others say it’s short for Edward, as in teddy-boy). On the East Coast of Scotland they are known as Schemies (as in “housing scheme”). Moving southwards to England, the range of names is staggering. In Liverpool they’re called Scallies (as in loud, boisterous, disruptive or irresponsible people). Kev is quite common around London (probably because of the Harry Enfield inspired, idiotic teenage character Kevin). Then you have Janners (from Plymouth), Smicks, Spides, Moakes and Streeks (all from Belfast), plus Bazzas, Pikeys (Essex), Charvers (Newcastle), Scuffheads, Stigs, Strangers, yarcos, and Kappa Slappers (Kappa for girls who wear Kappa branded tracksuits, Slapper as in a promiscuous or crude female).

Although the general feeling is that the Chav name comes from the place of Chatham in Kent, it seems it has quite strong Gypsy connections. Chatham has had Gypsies living in it for generations. Interestingly, Chavi is the Romany word for child (and was recorded as far back as the 1850s), whereas Chaavo means boy. By the late 1800s, Chavi was used to refer to an adult male. Another Gypsy connection is the word charver (Romany for prostitute).Pikey-also insulting – is more than likely to have come from the Kentish dialect term for Gypsy – a person who travels the roads.

Chav Spotting:

Chav female / Chavette

According to the Daily Mail, the females of the species pull their shoddily dyed hair back in that ultra-tight bun known as a “council-house facelift”, wear skirts that would be better described as wide belts and tops that expose too much. It is true that stilettos are the favoured alternative footwear to trainers. Mark One and New Look outfits are always, and most definitely, in.
Hair tends to be bottle-blonde and scraped back into a ponytail, with lots of mousse and / or hairspray, scrunchies, etc.


Chav Male / Chavo

He wears an England shirt at least three times a week, spanking white trainers, trackie bottoms, and a hard, shifty expression. Attitude is everything, as is the latest cap (the cap logo changes on a regular basis). A shaved head is good. Otherwise, hair stencilling is equally popular –with free styles as well as football team logos and favourite brands like Nike all the rage. Other favourites include slick partings, fringe flicks, curtains and loads of hair gel. Sorted!


Famous Chav Role Models



Role Models
Chris Moyles
Christina Aguilera
Danniella Westbrook
Eminem
Jade Goody
Jessie Wallace
Jordie Marsh
Jordan
Mel C
Michelle (BB)
Paris Hilton
Peter Andre
The Beckhams
Wayne Rooney

Chav Talk

Language

Expletives are helpful and used as frequently as possible, varying in crudeness depending on how much cider has been drunk or how much glue has been sniffed by said Chav.

“Fuck” punctuates sentences when vocabulary is elusive or just lacking.
“Fucking” replaces adjectives and “cunt” replaces a person
?*!*

Favourite sayings

“Bitch” (woman /girlfriend)
“Blazin” (very good)
“Bone” (erection)
“Brethren”(Brothers and close friends)
“Buzzin” (expression of approval)
“Check it” (look at it)
“Chuffed” (Pleased with oneself)
“Coffin dodger” (old person)
“Cuchty” (cool – a term first used by Del Trotter! From T.V Comedy Only Fools and Horses).

“Diss” (to disrespect)
“Dob on” (inform on someone- to the police)
“Fit” (attractive)
“Floor it” (drive very fast)
“Givin it large” (overdoing things)
“Gov” (authority figure)
“Homeez” (friends)
“Innit” (Isn’t it?)
“Knob jockey” (homosexual)
“Maccy D’s” (MacDonald’s)
“Minger” (a very ugly person)
“Not a prayer” (no chance)
“Preggers” (pregnant)
“Rat-arsed” (blind drunk)
“Solid” (referring to a strong / reliable person)
“Spark up” (to light a fag)
“Steamin” (drunk as a skunk)
“Talent” (good-looking girl)
“Trek” (go on a long journey)
“Wheels” (a car)
“Wire it” (start a car without a key or the owner’s permission)
“Wot u fuckin say?” (Pardon?)
“Wot u lookin at?” or “Wot da fuck you lookin at?” (Is something the matter?)

Chav Topics of Conversation
Football, fighting, sex, Big Brother, being bored, winning the Lottery, Argos catalogues, the latest Nike advert on the box, Kung Fu, Coronation Street, Bad Girls, Footballer’s Wives, Eastenders, Trisha, sex, money, becoming rich by doing nothing, being spotted by the producer of a reality TV show and becoming famous, sex, money being bored…… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chav Lifestyle

Jobs
Generally, Chavs spend most of their time unemployed but still manage to get hold of the latest trainers, have plenty of cigarettes and generally succeed in drinking to their heart’s content.
Chavs like money (especially when they haven’t had to work for it) because spending it enables them to display STATUS.

If a Chav can get by on the dole, s/he will. There are, however, some typical jobs out there for the willing:

For Chavettes
Trainee Hairdresser
Trainee Beautician
Cleaner
Barmaid

For Chavos
Cowboy builder / Plumber / Roofer
Market stall trader
Mechanic
Security guard

For either
Checkout cashier at Lidl, Netto or Aldi.
Fast food restaurant employee
And at last but not least, the ultimate Chav summer job….Holiday rep – Spain, the Canary Islands, and of course Ibiza!

Attitude
The answer to everything is attitude.
Chavs are eye-contact aggressive. If anyone dares to look them in the eye, it is assumed that they are asking for a fight or a kick up the backside.

Only loners are picked on by Chavs, thought, because otherwise the Chav pack (usually a group of about seven) would have to leg it.
And this would not be cool.
Chavs have an inbuilt mechanism that encourages disrespect for all authority, whether it comes in the form of parents, a policeman, pub landlord or judge.

Shiftiness is the name of the game.

Books and Music
The Sun, Daily Star and the Sort (or the Daily Mail for the more cultured person) are about the only things Chavs even consider reading. And preferably someone else’s copy.

Chav music consists mostly of Top 40 Rap (for the Chavos), R&B (for the Chavettes) and Dance (for both sexes). Favourites are Eminem, The Streets, anything Garage, Craig David, D12, 50 Cent.

Diet
Chav food and drink consists of Supernoodles, Pot Noodles, weed, beer, cheap cider, and MacDonald’s for Sunday lunch…
Hang-Outs
MacDonald’s, KFC, Burger King, shopping centres, off licences, bus shelters, street corners…To sum up, Chav’s leisure pursuits are: spending all their dole money on brand-named sports gear and blinding, whiter-than-white trainers; taking a decent car and turning it into an ugly, noisy, street-racing novelty; cadging cigarettes off passers-by; smoking cheap cigarettes; talking rubbish; starting a fight; picking on loners; clubbing.

Chav Clothes

Brands

The Burberry brand is reckoned to be the number one brand but others do come in and out of fashion. A few years ago Polo and Tommy Hilfiger were worn all over the place but recently they have lost their popularity with most Chavs.
At the moment the following brands are very popular (but remember that this list is not a definitive one as the scene is ever-changing!)…
In no particular order:
Hackett
Nickelson
Reebok
Nike
Tiffany
Louis Vuitton
Burberry
Von Dutch
Stone Island
Henry Lloyd
Aquascutum
Rockport

Although many Chavs bring back counterfeit clothes from the Costa, it is important in a Chav’s existence to aspire to the genuine article. With a Burberry cap costing more than a week’s job-seeking allowance, Chavs will pull out all the stops to get their gear.

Some of the gear in question is now so identified with Scallies in certain towns that shopping centres have banned the wearing of baseball caps altogether. One pub chain has even gone as far as to ban from their pubs anyone wearing some of the most prestigious brands in the country including Burberry and Aquascutum. This will come as a shock to the Prime Minister as he was spotted on holiday wearing a Burberry polo shirt. Even Victoria Beckham would be shown the door!.

Sports Gear

(Although Chavs don’t go near sports centres)
Again….brand, brand, and nothing but the brand!

White Nike trainers, tops and tracksuit bottoms with (preferably prominent) Burberry, Hackett, Nickelson, Reebok, etc. Logos compulsory. Don’t forget – brands represent that all-important status. And sports gear is …well….cool.

Hats
A baseball cap – preferably in Burberry check – is a must-have accessory, put on at a very weird angle. Or a woolly Benny is good.
Trousers
Trackie bottoms tucked into football boots are much loved. Other favourites are Kappa button-ups, stonewashed jeans, special gold shells.

Footwear
“Prison white” Nike trainers are great for that permanently “brand new” look. Red Adidas, or desert boots are good. White socks go without saying.

For the boys
England Shirts – to be worn at least three times a week; open jackets (lest said England shirts’ logos be obscured); polo shirts; sweatshirts; socks pulled up over trackie bottoms; Collar turned up.






For the girls
Favourites are wide belts (aka mini skirts); cropped tops (to reveal not-overly-
toned stomach-; scrunchies; stilettos (an acceptable alternative to trainers); Shoefayre, Bwise, Woolies, Poundstretcher, Mark One items.

Chav Jewellery

Bling! Is the word.

Chavs love flashy, trashy jewellery and lots of it – heavy chains, big sovereign rings and chunky bangles, often bought from the jewellery counter at Argos or Index. Jacob watches are THE things for Chavs to wear. Costing in excess of £4000, Chavs will do almost anything to get one. At a pinch, a good fake one will pass. Their large range of jewellery will impress anyone who has gone to Argos. Chunky gold chains costing up to a grand are the pinnacle of taste and status. The bigger, the better – this gives the wearer street cred and that is all-important in Chavworld. For those with no local branch of Argos, help is at hand on the freeview TV channel Bid Up TV. Watch this for a while and appreciate the great range of Chav jewellery.

Chav Towns

This list has been put together with absolutely no care or attention whatsoever. The publishers take no responsibility for any person using this list of towns purely as a guide to find a Chav-free place to move to. If you do use this list in this way, then you deserve all that is coming to you.
The towns are in no particular order, but start with Chatham, alleged birthplace of the Chav phenomenon. This is amazing really – if you have ever been to Chatham, you’ll no doubt agree.

A couple of years ago the Observer newspaper wrote a piece about Chatham and the Chavs that inhabit the town: Meet the Chatham girls, known as “Chavs”, whose fashion sense and reputation for easy virtue have earned them a global following as worthy successors to their northern neighbours. For years, Essex girls, typified by actress Denise van Outen, held the monopoly on short-skirted peroxide-blonde stereotypes, prompting questions in Parliament and essays by Germaine Greer. But today the costume-jewellery crown has passed to their rivals from Chatham-young women, it is claims, whose forbearers were kicked out of Essex “for being too tarty”..

Chatham aside, other affected areas are Atworth, Abingdon, Littlehampton, Hamilton, Portobello, Newcastle, Greenock, Ambridge, Anstruther, Balamory, Bar Hill, Barrow-in-furness, Basildon, Bath, Bedford, Belfast, Bodmin, Bolton, Farnham, Borchester, Bournemouth, Dudley, Brighton, Broxburn, Cambridge, Carlisle, Catford, Chester, Chichester, Coventry, Cowdenbeath, Craigmiller, Crawley, Livingston, Croydon, Deal, Kettering, Derby, Dorking, Liverpool, East Kilbride, Eastleigh, Walford, Eltham, Peterborough, Londonderry, Plymourth, Skegness, Weston-super-mare, Leeds, Swansea, margate, Sheffield, Weatherfield, Glasgow, Grantham,, Cramond, Great Yarmouth, Hackney, Hastings, Scunthorpe, headley Down, Holby City, Holmefirth, Emmerdale, Watford, Steatham, Horsham, Kidlington, Sutton Coldfield, Trowbridge, Leicester, Leith, London, Maidenhead, Middlesborough, Imminham, Stoke-on-Trent, Newoport, Taunton, Cardiff, Reading, Southampton, newquay, Sun Hill, Oxted, Wolverhampton, Paisley, Las Vegas, Enfield, Port Talbot, Hull, Rainham, Ramsgate, Henley-on-Thames, Redhill, Saffron Walden, Portsmouth, Penrith, Folkestone, Sunderland, Darlington, Preston, Swindon, Thamesmead, Lewisham, Winchester, Wrexham.

There are certain towns that are more noteworthy than others.
Here are a few:

Hull

For most people, Hull is somewhere to get a ferry from and not to hang about in. However knowing that John Prescott and Dan from Big Brother come from Hull might make you want to stop for a look round the next time you belt down the M62. If that is not enough incentive, try stopping off at Burger King or KFC on Friday night. Hull has one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in the UK. It is good fun to watch teenage mums sharing their chips with their one month-old babies

Taunton
The main shopping drag can be a bit patchy for Chav spotting in normal shopping hours. However with Poundstretcher on the other side of the river, a brisk walk is all that is needed to spot Somerset’s finest cider-swilling Chav specimens.

Chichester
This far south is an affluent area and home to the well-spoken Chav (“What youoo fuckin’ looking at old boy?”). Having been ejected from their private schools because they were not up to A’levels, they have a certain posh charm but are just rich Chavs at the end of the day. The city centre pubs have theme nights – ‘Pint and a Fight!’- on Fridays and Saturdays. With more money than sense, Chavs have renamed the town Shitchester. Bless!

Basildon
The capital of Essex Chavdom, this is a place so full of Chavos and Chavettes that non-Chavs will definitely feel out of place here. For the Basildon Chav, the centre of the universe at the weekend is the Festival Leisure Park. The local council call this an “entertainment super centre” but, as anyone who has been there on a Saturday night will tell you, it is far from super! Chavos and Chavettes from miles around come here and hang round outside as they are skint and cannot go in. Many people have visited this centre, seen the future of the country and subsequently emigrated post haste. This is really not for the faint hearted. Another place to avoid is the Wat Tyler Country Park. Wat Tkyler – for those of you who are educated – was the geezer who started the peasant’s Revolt in 1200 something. He ended up getting killed by the king of that time. The park is now a centre of special scientific interest and a place where peasants can fee truly at home. Avoid!

So what started in the Kent area of England ahs spread throughout the United Kingdom and shows no sign of stopping. It has even crept abroad to Dublin and certain towns in Spain. The Spanish connection is probably down to Brits, their children and the hoards of Chavs heading for sun and cheap Sangria every summer.

It is now nearly impossible to go anywhere in the mainland UK and not see Chavs. There is a rumour that the North of Scotland and the Islands off it are Chav-free. This statement will no doubt elicit a flood of letters from readers saying that the Shetlands are just a hot bed of Chavs. As part of my research for this book, I went to Inverness and Tobermory and they seemed Chav-free. I visited all the likely looking hang-outs and not one Chav did I see. I got so desperate to fine one that I chased what I thought at a distance was a Bruberry-cap-wearing Chav, only to find out it was some old age pensioner wearing a tartan tammy!

One of the favourite TV programmes for Chavettes and their young is Ballamory. This was filming while I was in Tobermory. (Well I thought it was worth mentioning, but my editor says I should get out more.)

As long as you are not in the North of Scotland you can become quickly acquainted with Chav spotting. It is amazing how fast you can become adept at knowing where to find them. As long as you remember not to make eye contact you should be fine (except if it’s pub chucking out time). Remember: do not try chatting up a Chav bird as this will lead to a good kicking (which in my opinion you deserve)!

So… the list you’ve seen here is not set in stone. If you have any towns to add, please send your suggestions to: chavs@crombiejardine.com

Chav Names


Spellings and pronunciations may vary, but here are some top names for Chavettes and Chavos.

Tip: “T” is often silent, so ‘Katie’ is pronounced ‘kay-ee’; ‘Th’ is normally ‘f’, so ‘Nathan’ becomes ‘naffan’ etc.

Chavettes
Beckie
Brianca
Britney
Casey
Cassandra
Caz
Charmaine
Chelsea
Stockport County
Danielle
Diamonique
Donna
Jade
Jemma
Jordan
Syria
Katie
Kylie
Leah
Michelle
Missy
Monique
Monneye
Natalie
Nikkie
Rachelle (Shell)
Samantha
Sharon
Shirley
Stacie
Tammy
Tracie
Trish
Veronique
Vicky

Chavos
Aaron
Andy
Arsenal
Barry
Brandon
Brooklyn
Corey
Darren
Dwayne
Gary
Jason
Kevin
Lance
Larry
Lee
Liam
Nathan
Rickie
Shane
Trevor
WayneWill

Chav Updates from around the UK

Chav Updates from around the UK

If you have enjoyed reading this book and would like to know more about Chavs then there are some great sites on the web.
By far and away the best and most comprehensive Chav site is:
www.chavscum.co.uk
Other sites that are worth a look are:
www.youknowsit.co.uk
www.banburymassive.tk
www.glasgowsurvival.co.uk
www.scallycentral.com
www.hayzquad.co.uk
www.stupidnorthernmonkey.co.ukwww.crombiejardine.com

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lee Bok

Is not his real name?

If you think Lee Bok is his real name then you should be proud. You have passed the test .
If you guessed that Lee bok is a clever twist on a well-known brand then read on, as you will find contained within these pages many factoids of quite extraordinary inexactness.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crombie Jardine
Publishing limited.

13 Nonsuch Walk, Cheam, Surrey, SM2 7LG
www.crombiejardine.com

First published by
Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in2004
4th reprint, 2004

Copyright © 2004,
Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited.

All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN 1-905102-01-1

Original concept a compilation by Crombie Jardine
Designed by “Mr Stiffy”
Printed and bound in Great Britain by
William Clowes ltd, Beccles, SuffolkWith special thanks to Caz